ExFactor aka the Lauren Hill Trilogy
by Quicksylver28
Summary: A lil angst with my fav 1x2. started as a song fic and grew into a trilogy. in progress cause im having trouble uploading that last chappie. bear with me please.
1. Chapter 1

I can never really find much to say so I'll just say I do not own Gundam Wing.

On with the fiction, my good man. Harrumph.

**Ex-Factor**

By quicksilver

Song: Ex-Factor sung by Lauren Hill on her album: The Mis-education of Lauren Hill (1998)

Standard Disclaimers apply. Warnings: Angst, violence, yaoi.

_It could all be so simple_

_But you'd rather make it hard._

Duo is sitting alone near the window of the cheap apartment he and Heero share. The flashing neon sign from across the street is the only light in the dark and sparsely furnished apartment. It is raining heavily but Duo does not seem to care. His eyes are dry and bloody from crying, Heero has left again…out into the blinding rain.

_Loving you is like a battle_.

Flashback

He and Heero are arguing again, their voices rising with every insult, every accusation. It is hard to believe that they are in love. They scream at each other, oblivious to the complaints of the other tenants. Heero is furious, murder in his eyes, but Duo doesn't seem to care. He's too tired and frustrated to care anymore.

End flashback

_And we both end up with scars._

Duo gingerly touches his busted lip. One of the many injuries inflicted by an angry Heero. He gets up and walks to the bathroom mirror. The harsh light showing his bruises in worse light. His eyes have dark circles and are swollen with lack of sleep. His skin is pale and dark clothes cover his blue black marks and recent weight loss.

_Tell me who do I have to be_

_To get some reciprocity_

He overhears Heero on the phone with Relena. His is begging her to take him back but she won't. She does not love him, it was just a crush. She is ruler now and does not need a boy killer at her side. Heero slams down the phone, cracking the receiver. He is caught between anger and despair. He starts to laugh, that maniacal laugh that Duo used to hear on the battlefield. It frightens him.

_No one loves you more than me_

_And no one ever will_

Duo tries to comfort Heero, who pushes him away roughly. Like a robot Duo goes back, offering his love again and again. His violet eyes full of love mixed with sorrow.

_Is this just a silly game?_

_That forces you to act this way_.

Heero explodes, pinning Duo against the wall in a fit of anger. His callous hands bruise Duo 's pale skin and Duo flinches away, terrified. But Heero does not hit him as expected, but kisses him. On his face, his neck his chest through the open shirt. He leads him to their old bed and undresses them both.

_Forces you to scream my name_.

Heero is rough, hurting Duo in his desperate attempt for satisfaction. Duo bites his lips, enduring the pain but for the pleasure that comes in the end. When it is time Duo comes trembling against his lover. Heero thrusts, his pace frantic. Then he erupts, Duo's name escaping his lips in a harsh bark.

_Then pretend that you can't stay_

Heero gets up and dresses quickly, ruffling through the drawer for the rent money. He shoves it in his pocket and walks out with out a word or backward glance.

_Tell me who do I have to be_

_To get some reciprocity_

Duo lays alone and naked in the dirty bed. He hugs the pillow tight, trying to pretend that it's Heero. He promises himself not to cry. Another promise he can't keep.

_No one loves you more than me_

_And no one ever will_

Duo sobs into the pillow. When will Heero understand?

_No matter how I think we grow_

_You always seem to let me know_

Duo wants to go to a movie with Heero. For once Heero agrees. Duo is ecstatic. Heero lets him hold hands; he buys popcorn and candy. Just before they go in Heero spots Relena, she is getting out of her limo and entering the hotel opposite the cinema. Heero darts off to see her, abandoning Duo.

_It ain't workin, it ain't workin_.

That was the _real_ reason he had agreed to come. Duo lets the popcorn fall, no longer interested in the movie. He hails a cab and goes back to the apartment. Heero is gone for three days.

_And when I try to walk away_

_You'd hurt yourself to make me stay_.

Duo packs his things, determined to leave. But Heero bursts in, dead drunk and half conscious. He collapses onto the couch begging for help. Duo sighs, and starts to unpack. He can't leave Heero like this. He just can't.

End flashback

_This is crazy, this is crazy_

Duo goes into the bedroom and takes out his duffel bag. He packs away his clothes, determined this time to leave…no matter what. His puts on his old priest outfit…Shinigami walks again.

_I keep letting you back in._

_How can I explain myself_?

Duo shakes his head; he was such a fool. This love was killing him, draining him dry. Like an idiot he would sacrifice himself to Heero would step on his brittle heart. It was too much hurt. Before, during and now after the war he still hurt so much inside.

_As painful as this thing has been_

_I just can't be with no one else_.

He stands at the door, his resolve dissipating. He still loved Heero but if he stayed he would surely die. He looked around the old place, grey and mouldy, illuminated by flashes of red neon.

_See I know what we have to do_

_You let go and I let go to_

Duo steps out into the pouring rain, soaking him to the skin. His upturned face is washed clean; his soul is washed in the downpour. No more hurt, he starts to break his chains.

_Cause no one's hurt me more than you_

_And no on ever will_

He hails a cab and jumps in, telling the cabby to wait. He looks up at the old building once more. As he leans forward to tell the driver his destination he sees Heero in the rearview mirror. He is standing across the street in the heavy rain, watching Duo go. Duo turns to look but he is gone.

_Care for me, care for me…. I know you care for me_

_There for me, there for me…said you'd be there for me_

Duo begins to cry in the backseat of the cab. He tells himself that this is best.

_Cry for me; cry for me…you said you'd die for me_

_Give to me, give to me…why won't you live for me?_

Heero is gone, he has to let go of the past or it will drag him down. Heero is too lost and Duo can't find him. There was nothing more he could do. He tells the cabby to go to the airport with dry eyes.

_Where were you…when I needed you?_

The car rocks gently, the rain drumming on the roof of the cab. Duo sees the city pass in a blur. He reaches into his pocket and takes out his crucifix. Slowly, ceremoniously he puts it on. And with it comes hope.


	2. Chapter 2

**When it hurts so bad**

By Quicksylver

Song: When it hurts so bad sung by Lauren Hill on her album

The Miseducation of Lauren Hill (1998)

Standard Disclaimers apply. Warnings: Angst, violence, yaoi.

_When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?_

_When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?_

Duo is in the airport, his plane has just landed and now he sits in the terminal, unsure of what to do now. He had bought the cheapest ticket he could, not caring where it went. Only that it took him away from Heero. Just thinking of him made him want to cry.

_I loved real real hard once but the love wasn't returned_

_Found out the man I'd die for, he wasn't even concerned. _

Memories cut like barbs as surge of guilt overwhelmed him. He clutched at his bag and ran from the airport into the brisk fall air. He breathed deeply, gasping for breath. He was alone again…he had left Heero.

_I tried and I tried and I tried to keep him in my life_

_I cried and I cried and I cried but I couldn't make it right_

He had tried so hard to please Heero, sacrificed so much for love. And in return what he got was pain and anguish.

_But if you've ever been in love, then you'd understand._

Yet he kept going back for more, anything from Heero was good enough.

_What you want might make you cry, what you need might pass you by_

_If you don't catch it, if you don't catch it._

_And what you need ironically, will turn out what you want to be _

_If you just let it, if you just let it._

Duo walked, he just walked. His mind was in turmoil, he was so unsure. He sees a church up ahead and stops. Should he go in? He does. The church is small but very beautiful. The bright light of the sun shone through the stained glass, the colours dancing over the wooden pews. He sits on a pew in the back and bows his head.

_See, I thought this feeling, it was all that I had_

_But how could this be love? and make me feel so bad._

He shakes his head, watching the people wafting in and out of the church. It was time to start over…but where? He couldn't let his regrets hinder him. What existed between him and Heero was not love…love doesn't take such a high toll.

_Gave up my power, I existed for you_

_But whosoever knew the voodoo you do._

He had given everything he could give and love still demanded more. His heart was tired. So many times he had lost what he loved, his heart was too tattered to mend. Everyone he loved was gone.

_And if you've ever been in love you'd understand_.

Yet he kept on loving, kept on smiling… hoping for love someday. Hoping it would come and save him. If he gave up now he would surely die.

_What you want might make you cry, what you need might pass you by_

_If you don't catch it, if you don't catch it._

_And what you need ironically, will turn out what you want to be _

_If you just let it, if you just let it._

Someone put a hand on his shoulder. It was the priest. He smiles with compassion… reminding Duo of Father Maxwell. It was too much. Duo burst into tears, his body racked with sobs. Gently the priest held him, rocking him like a baby. He let the tears flow, so much pain cooped up inside flowed out like water from a broken dam.

_When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?_

_When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?_

His chest hurt but his soul was light. He had cried away the heaviness of his heart. He relaxed into the strong arms, too drained to be strong, to be cocky or cynical. He had found solace in the house of the lord. He fingered the small crucifix. He was safe now and he was finally free.

_When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?_

_When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?_


End file.
